Big, lumpy, common, brassy, once-was-pretty, now fronts Iceland, Kerry Katona has decided her body is so ravaged that she needs a new one.

The woman who can honestly say Brian McFadden was the best she had, is to spend a small fortune on a set of fresh body parts. Despite continually protesting she’s brassic, she’s to splurge £15,000 on the full-body-service including breast reduction and liposuction.

Breast cancer is a terrifying disease at the best of times, so when you’re a woman famour – in part – for the way you look, the way you move and – not to be too flippant – your womanly curves – it must suck even bigger.

So a big thumbs up to brave Christina Applegate, 36, who has burst forth onto the TV circuit and spoken eloquently and honestly about her double mastectomy and upcoming breast reconstruction surgery.

Reality TV nincompoop, Jade Goody, has left the Indian Big Brother house after being told in the diary room that she has cervical cancer.

There are shades of dark irony and there are gory details, but at the end of the day, it’s still cancer, so we’ll be respectful.

The dream had to end some time and it was bound to be in true soap opera style.

It’s been just eight months since Natalie Cassidy – aka fat Sonia from Eastenders – showcased her size eight princess-like figure, but now the clock has chimed and she’s turned back into a pumpkin.

That’s right, we’re all doomed. Well, 99 in the hundred of us are anyway.

According to the Mail, where they call us Britons instead of Brits, because they’re like that, only one in a hundred of us have a diet that is healthy and not too high in sugar, salt and fat.

Size zero Cheryl Cole, who is now a judge on X-Factor so can annoy you every Saturday night as well as every time you open the paper, has been moaning about the pressure on women to look a certain way.

And this pressure wouldn’t be at all helped by tiny little pop stars making the rest of us feel unwieldy at anything above size eight.

Just how many slices of white bread, fried eggs, cheese and scoops of mayo do you need to be an Olympic gold medallist? Flipping loads, it turns out.

Enormous man-mountain, Michael Phelps, he of eight golds and counting fame, has shared his diet with the world. It makes for incredible reading, not least because it’s not much different to that of enormous teen-mountain, Georgia Davis.

Perhaps. According to the Daily Mail, which has got itself all hot and bothered about the latest really bad [definitely not silly season story] Apocalyptic craze sure to cause mass moral destruction to all four corners of, er, the Home Counties.

Mobiles ringing, tinny, happy house bubbling out of earphones, sweaty communal saddles and overt-grunting have all set gym-goers off on a Falling Down-style rampage.

Katie Price, aka Jordan, has been yakkering to Now Magazine about her skinny body and rapid weight loss. Apparently it’s not, repeat, not apple juice and ice cubes.

She rocked up in LA on Monday looking really bony and the respective onlookers were their usual shocked selves.

Children who are clumsy will exercise less and become obese in later life, says a new study.

The research began 50 years ago and found that kids who hand control and co-ordination were lacking, were more prone to weight gain as adults.

The legendary soul singer, Scientologist and South Park favourite was found dead at his Memphis home on Sunday, the cause of death has now been announced as stroke.

No autopsy was carried out but the cause of death was given as a stroke in the paperwork filed by the Hayes’ family doctor, who had been treating Isaac for high blood pressure.