‘Skint’ Kerry Katona to buy a new body

Big, lumpy, common, brassy, once-was-pretty, now fronts Iceland, Kerry Katona has decided her body is so ravaged that she needs a new one.

The woman who can honestly say Brian McFadden was the best she had, is to spend a small fortune on a set of fresh body parts. Despite continually protesting she’s brassic, she’s to splurge £15,000 on the full-body-service including breast reduction and liposuction.

“I’m going to have liposuction, because after four kids I need it,” she told Closer magazine. Need? Need?

No, she wants it, because it’s easier than dieting and fitness. We’re not judging, that’s an option, but let’s not be cute, you NEED chemotherapy, you NEED an iron lung, you NEED brain surgery. New tits and a fat-suck, need you not.

She claims to be a size 12 now (ahem) and wants to be down to a size eight like her pre-kids, Atomic Kitten days.

“I’m also going to have a boob reduction. I’m a GG at the moment, and when I take my bra off my nipples are by my feet. I want to be a DD instead,” she said, exhibiting that unique charm that made Iceland brand managers scramble for their chequebooks.

She’s also going to get her stretch marks lasered. Now there’s an image. We like to imagine a big James Bond-type laser with Katona spread on a spinning roulette. Which is almost certainly out of the question, unless MTV UK commission the broadcast.

“Kerry is very aware that she already has a double chin which Mark jokes about,” says a friend (of hers, not his, clearly).

“He’s been encouraging her overhaul. He knows that she’ll get more work offers when she’s thinner.”

That’s who you want managing your image isn’t it, Mark Croft.

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