Ever since Lindsay Lohan decided to trade alleged drug abuse for alleged lesbianism, you have to admit that she’s been a bit of a snore.

It’s not so much Lindsay Lohan getting into trouble that we miss, rather the dazzling array of misinformation thumped out by a billion sources directly after Lindsay Lohan got into any trouble. What? You missed that too? Well this must be your lucky day.

You’re probably wondering what Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s new twins look like - because you’re nosy and have nothing better to do.

But you mustn’t. You mustn’t look at Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s babies - especially if you’re looking at the paparazzi photos secretly taken with a high-powered telephoto lens that were recently taken. Look at those and Brad Pitt will sue your sweaty, loner arse all the way to the moon and back. He’s said so himself.

There are several ways to realise that Britney Spears has been in a bad way lately - one of them is to have eyes and/or ears.

Another way is to read the news. You see, Britney Spears turned up at a charity party at Jim Carrey’s house last weekend not looking as if she’d spent the last month wide awake and screaming at the ceiling. And that’s a news story, apparently.

From HECKLERSPRAY - You know what the problem is with Megan Fox? You can’t hear her thighs scraping together when she walks anywhere.

This is because Megan Fox clearly isn’t fat enough. Boys only like girls if they’ve got wads of back fat you could lose your fist in and a chin that’s barely visible under the rolls of sweaty neck-lard. There’s nothing more arousing than a girl having a chronic wheezing fit because she’s had to run 10 metres for a bus, right boys?

This week is a joyous one, a momentous occasion that will change the world forever - it’s the week Nicole Kidman can stop whining about not having any babies.

That’s right, Nicole Kidman has given birth to her baby, a little girl she’s inexplicably decided to call Sunday Rose.

Nicole Kidman’s new daughter was born in Nashville yesterday morning, and other than that details are vague - for instance, we don’t know if Sunday Rose takes after her mother and has ginger hair and an immobile face, or her father and is an alcoholic.

As the host of a daytime TV show and something called Soapstar Superstar, Fern Britton’s integrity is as beyond reproach as most high-level politicians and the clergy.

Sadly, though, that theory has been shot to pieces by the recent revelation that Fern Britton’s drastic sudden weight-loss wasn’t because she started eating healthily or riding her bike around like she told everyone, but because she’s had a dirty great gastric band fitted down her gut-hole.